How to feed the right wolf ?

This post is the ‘how to’ for last week's travel story: NO NOTHING. For those of you who missed it, check it out here.

Over the years, there have been many instances when feeding the right wolf has been rough. I'm sure you agree.

That annoying friend, that overbearing boss, that late flight. You get the drift.

Notice one thing in all the examples I gave - everything and every one of those things, people, or situations were outside of me. I could not control them.

But what I could control was how I responded to them.

The Snowball Analogy

Imagine these situations or people as snowballs coming toward you.

• First, you need to be able to identify that the snowball is coming - Be present enough to know that something has triggered you (the mean comment, being passed over for a promotion etc.)
• The second is to pause and assess how the snowball will make you feel - Pausing and observing your instinctive dark wolf reaction (anger, frustration).
• Third is to use one of your well-practiced techniques to prevent the snowball from getting you cold and wet - Your strategy to combat the dark wolf reaction (breath control, change of scene).
• And fourth is the reward for all your hard work, a toasty and dry you - A relaxed state of mind focused on solutions (not taking the comment personally, reevaluating and implementing what you can do to improve your chances of getting that promotion etc.)

Now building a mindset like this is a journey. You don’t reach the destination all the time. I sure haven’t.

But I try. And I hope you will try too.

How not to get cold and wet?

#1 Breath control

This one is basic but works surprisingly well. Research has shown that when we are stressed, our breathing becomes short and erratic, while in a calm and joyful state, our breaths tend to be slow and regular. So, by changing the rhythm of our breaths, we can send a signal to our body to relax and think rationally (1).

• The method: Inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 8. The longer exhale relaxes the body. When you feel agitated - lengthen the exhales.

#2 Remove yourself from the trigger

Removing yourself from the trigger helps you gain the composure needed to evaluate the emotion a situation or person brings.

Other things that might help

• Looking at pictures and videos that make you happy, including cat videos, if that's your thing. My son's videos or pictures usually do the trick for me.

• Watching something funny. The laughs will put you in a more receptive frame of mind.

#3 Move your body

A walk, jog, or whatever form of exercise that gets the body moving and you outside your head.

#4 Journaling, gratitude and hunting the good stuff

Writing down your thoughts and what you are grateful for is a mindfulness practice that can help you understand what goes on in that complicated brain of yours.

• There are many options to do this - use a blank noteboook and free write your thoughts or get a journal like this with prompts to help your thoughts flow.
• I do something called Morning Pages. Watch this video for a clear and detailed description on the what and how. At the end of my morning pages, I do the hunt the good stuff exercise below.
• Hunting the Good Stuff - Based on the work by Martin Seligman, this journaling method is designed to counteract the negativity bias - our ability to notice the bad things first in any situation.

 The Method: Record three good things each day.

 Next to each positive event , write a reflection (at least one sentence) on:

1. Why this good thing happened?
2. What this good thing means to you?
3. What can you do tomorrow to enable more of this good thing?
4. What ways you or others contributed to this good thing?

#5 Meditation

This post would not be complete without mentioning meditation. My biggest takeaway from the techniques I have tried is to find a method that works for you and then stick to it.

• These are the 2 instructors I recommend - Emily Fletcher and Dandapani. Both instructors have many Youtube videos that are worth watching.
• Many digital apps also offer guided mindfulness and meditation exercises. I have used Headspace previously.

Conclusion

Now, will all this information ensure you feed the light wolf all the time? Probably not.

But will it help you pause and NOT instantly,

• Start beating yourself up (“I shouldn't have had that cupcake.”) or
• Start beating annoying Sally up (“It's the makeup!”)

..when Sally looks like a celebrity and you less than perfect?  

Then, my answer is a resounding YES.

References

1. Research: Why Breathing Is So Effective at Reducing Stress by Emma Seppälä, Christina Bradley, and Michael R. Goldstein for Harvard Business Insider https://hbr.org/2020/09/research-why-breathing-is-so-effective-at-reducing-stress
2. Real World Resiliency by Debra Howell https://fcs.cornell.edu/sites/default/files/2021-03/3.3.21%20PMPD_Real%20World%20Resiliency%20Presentation.pdf